Proverbs 31:10-31. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. So begins the hunt for the definitive wife, the ultimate mother, and the idyllic daughter. Husbands and suitors have explored those verses looking for perfection for thousands of years. Is that perfect woman out there somewhere? Is that woman the greener grass on the other side of the fence? Is she someone else’s wife, mother, or daughter? Or does she only appear so through the distant eyes of a man looking for something he hasn’t got? Or is this the figment of some man’s imagination? What makes this woman virtuous?
Who CAN find a virtuous woman? This scripture has been shown to women and thrown at women everywhere, consistently and constantly for eons of time. Perhaps men think that this is the ideal woman. Perfect in every way. Flawless, faultless, unblemished, intelligent, and with perpetual energy. This is the woman that they should have brought home to meet Mother. This is the woman that they dream about in their times of respite and reflection. Perhaps this is even the woman they see in another man’s wife.
I don’t know, however, if this woman even exists, here today, or at any time in history. Well, you say, this was written in the Bible so this woman has had to exist at some point in time. Go back and read the first part of the thirty-first chapter on Proverbs again. It doesn’t really say that this woman actually existed. Maybe it was something that Lemuel made up hoping that whoever read those words would look for such a woman. Or maybe Lemuel’s mother wrote those verses about herself, or maybe this was something that Lemuel was looking for in a wife. Who knows?
“The perfect woman?” I don’t know if there could be a perfect woman today, with a “nine-to-five” workload and getting the husband off to work and the kids off to school. Dropping off cleaning on her way to work and picking up groceries on her way home. Entertaining two nights a week and going to church whenever the doors are open, as well as dropping whatever she’s doing to run one of the kids over there and another one over here, and on and on and on…ad-nauseam. And when that’s all over, fix a nice meal for the family, carry on a pleasant conversation, and listen to what went on today in the lives of the husband and children. Is there no letup in sight???
So, from what I gather from these scriptures, this is a woman that works hard and long, doesn’t complain, and is always there, not only for her family, but is there for others as well. She is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Doesn’t that sound like a Boy Scout? A Girl Scout? because she’s honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what she says and does, and respects herself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, and makes the world a better place.
Is it possible for a woman to be everything that the above scriptures say and still keep the right spirit? Still be tireless and industrious and keep the right spirit? Be patient and understanding and keep the right spirit? Enduring, tolerant, unwearied, uncomplaining, long-suffering, accommodating, forgiving and still keep the right spirit? Put up with what my husband does and STILL keep the right spirit?
Well, let me take a closer look at what the scripture says. Maybe a woman can be that way, I don’t know. I know that I’m not like that woman. But I know that whatever was “written afore time was written for our learning,” so maybe I should at least consider these words. And perhaps weigh my life against the life of this woman. Am I a virtuous woman? Am I worth more than rubies to my husband and children, as well as those around me? Can my husband trust me to take care of the household?
WAIT!! Hold on a minute! Now from these verses of scripture we assume that the husband is a perfect man. That he, also, is hard working, patient and understanding. But what if he’s not? What if he lacks certain qualities that keep him from being the man you thought you were marrying? What if, after you got to know him a little better, you began to see faults in him you did not like? What’s that saying? “Familiarity breeds contempt?” But it’s not your fault that he’s like that. You certainly didn’t raise him, did you? In spite of your best attempts to make him and mold him into perfection, or at least, into what you want him to be, he’s still obnoxious and belligerent. You might as well give up on him. He will be like that until the day he dies.
But…!! But, if he were better, if he were more like the man in these scriptures, then you could be more like the woman in those scriptures. You could be the virtuous woman you should be. You could be the woman everybody looks up to. You would be flawless and tireless in everything you did. But, because your husband is not looked up to and respected, because he doesn’t always say the right thing to you at the right time, because he isn’t always there when you need him, then how can you be the righteous and honorable woman you could be? You can’t.
So, I wonder… would this woman be virtuous even if her husband were not? Did she make him feel that he was the most important person in the world, even if he was not? Was he respected in the gates because she honored him before others? Would he be the laughingstock of the neighborhood if it weren’t for the fact that she praised him before others? Did she work to lift him up in spite of all his flaws? And in turn, did he lift her up at the same time?
When you compare your husband to another, (well, I hope that you don’t, but if you do) do you think your husband is better, more honorable than another, or do you get depressed thinking that you could have done better in the husband department? Remember: comparison causes depression. If you find yourself more depressed lately, maybe you’re not considering the virtues of your husband. Maybe you’re not finding anything good to say, or even think, about the one you promised to love, honor, and obey.
It really doesn’t matter if your husband is perfect or not. A virtuous woman is a virtuous woman regardless of the way anybody else acts toward her. She would still be a virtuous woman even if her husband didn’t praise her. Or her children didn’t call her blessed. She accepted her role as a wife and a mother and in spite of any and all circumstances she will do what God has called her to do. May God help me to accept the role that I am put in. I may not be everything that this woman is. I may not be everything (or anything) my husband wants me to be. I may never obtain to all that this woman did, but I can start somewhere. I can start with just one thing, just one scripture, just one verse and, by the grace of God, I will be able to add to that list until I have “excelled them all.”